The pursuit of perfection and the need to constantly please others are often intertwined, creating a limiting belief that everything must be done perfectly. This belief can significantly impact your mental health and overall well-being, leading to a constant state of stress and dissatisfaction.
Common among perfectionists and people pleasers, this mindset is not just about striving for excellence but is rooted in the fear of failure and the dread of disappointing others. Recognizing and understanding this limiting belief is the first step toward overcoming it and moving toward a healthier, more balanced approach to life.
A friend of mine, whom we’ll call Alex, exemplifies the struggle with perfectionism and the need to please. From a young age, Alex was always the top student, excelled in sports, and was a beloved member of various clubs. Despite these achievements, Alex’s sense of worth remained tied to external validation. The fear of making a mistake or letting someone down was paralyzing. This drive for perfection started to take a toll during college, where the competitive environment magnified these pressures. Alex’s story is a testament to the pervasive nature of this belief system and the profound impact it can have on an individual’s life.
But this journey isn’t about me telling stories about other people I know, it’s supposed to be about me. So here we go, I consider this to be one of my worst limiting beliefs as it’s seated the deepest in my psyche. I am a hardcore perfectionist and people-pleaser. The self-sacrifice is real and incredibly damaging. I know where it came from, during my childhood, but that’s only the first step to rewriting the mindset and it’s a hard one to rewrite.
I grew up in a larger family with four siblings and both my parents. You’d think that would be a good thing, but it wasn’t always. My father is a minister. For those who aren’t familiar with the life of a pastor’s kid, or PK, it’s not easy. For one your life is a fish bowl, where everyone can see every little detail and they will most definitely pass judgment and criticize. As kids, our appearance and behavior reflected on the family and most especially my dad and his profession. Growing up in that life, you chose one of two paths: perfection or “I don’t give a shit”.
My sister and I chose perfectionism, my brothers the other. My sister had the “good” sense to give up on this lifestyle when she left for college, but I never left, choosing instead to go to a local college. Our grades were A’s across the board, anything less wasn’t good enough for us. It wasn’t explicitly expected of us, but we felt the underlying pressure to please the parents and look good to outsiders because that was what was ingrained in us as being important.
I felt my life goal was to make sure that everyone loved me and complimented my behavior and accomplishments. The church came first and we thought that maybe, if we pleased Dad enough that maybe he would put us first for once. I’m not saying my parents were bad parents, we’ve had this discussion together as adults, and they did the best they could with the knowledge they had. There’s no real guidebook to being a good parent. But we all knew that our lives took second to the church, that was made plain. He missed out on concerts, birthdays, and more because there was a church meeting or someone in the hospital. The worst part of it was that we all felt that if we were in the hospital, he’d still go to the church stuff. How crazy is that?
I had a more recent epiphany as my anxiety makes me relive certain parts of my life. An old friend from college sent me a text over the holidays, we hadn’t talked in years. Since I was starting this journey, a moment from college with this friend caught my attention and revealed how deep this perfectionism and people-pleasing went. My friend didn’t care about all that stuff, the perfectionism or my public persona, but that’s all I was capable of showing them. No one ever got to know the real me, well not no one, but it took a long time for me to trust someone enough to show them, the goofy, witty, funny, and dirty joke telling me. That wasn’t someone I could show in public, attempting to induced panic. This friend and I would have lunch together on the regular in college and he’d try to play a game with me. He’d think of the most ridiculous things we could do in whatever restaurant or grocery store and ask me how much someone would have to pay me to do it. I never had an answer for him. Years later, I figured out the answer. No amount of money. I am not capable of even contemplating tarnishing my perfect, people-pleasing nature in a game. There was no amount of imaginary money that would make me do those things, even if it would make me rich and solve all my problems. Mind blowing.
The Origins of Perfectionism and People Pleasing
Understanding the roots of perfectionism and people-pleasing behaviors is essential for addressing and overcoming these tendencies. That’s the first step. Once you’ve identified a limiting belief, you need to reach down and try and find out where they came from before you can rewrite them. These origins are often complex and multifaceted:
- Childhood Influences: Research supports that childhood experiences of conditional love, where approval and affection from caregivers depend on the child’s achievements or behaviors, can foster perfectionism. This socialization practice, known as “parental conditional regard” and teaches children that their worth and belonging are contingent upon meeting others’ expectations, leading to the development of perfectionistic tendencies to avoid feelings of guilt and shame. Sound familiar?
- Family Dynamics: Families with high expectations and a strong emphasis on success contribute to the development of perfectionism in children. The transmission of perfectionistic traits from parents to children can occur through direct imitation and the conditional offering of affection, reinforcing the belief that achieving flawlessness is essential for gaining parental approval and avoiding disappointment.
- Societal Pressures: The impact of societal demands for success in various aspects of life, coupled with media and social media influences, can exacerbate perfectionistic behaviors. Individuals may internalize these external pressures, striving to meet unrealistic standards to be accepted and respected within society.
- School Environment: Educational settings that prioritize high achievement and grades can lead to the development of perfectionism, as students begin to equate their self-worth with academic performance. The fear of failure and the association of effort with weakness, as noted in discussions on fixed versus growth mindsets, highlight how school environments can influence students’ perfectionistic tendencies and their reluctance to engage in challenging tasks.
- Cultural Factors: Cultural norms emphasizing conformity and high standards can pressure individuals to strive for perfection to feel accepted. The research did not directly address this point, but it’s understood from broader psychological theories that cultural expectations play a significant role in shaping behaviors, including perfectionism and people-pleasing.
- Traumatic Experiences: While specific studies on the link between traumatic experiences and the development of perfectionism were not accessed, it’s acknowledged in psychological literature that experiences of bullying, emotional abuse, or other forms of trauma can lead individuals to adopt perfectionism and people-pleasing as coping mechanisms.
- Personality Traits: Certain inherent personality traits, like high conscientiousness or a strong need for approval, predispose individuals to perfectionistic and people-pleasing behaviors. The distinction between fixed and growth mindsets provides insight into how these traits can influence individuals’ responses to challenges and their overall perfectionistic tendencies.
- Parental Modeling: The role of parental modeling in the development of perfectionism and people-pleasing is crucial. Children often emulate their parents’ behaviors, adopting perfectionistic patterns when they observe their parents displaying similar tendencies or when parental affection is contingent on meeting high standards.
Addressing these roots requires a multifaceted approach, including self-awareness, therapy, and possibly challenging deeply held beliefs about self-worth and acceptance. Understanding that perfection is an unrealistic goal and that it’s okay to make mistakes is crucial for overcoming the need to do everything perfectly. Support from therapists or counselors can be invaluable in this journey, helping individuals navigate their way through these complex issues toward a healthier sense of self.
In the next article, I’m going to talk about why perfectionism and people-pleasing are incredibly damaging.
archaeomommy 