Breaking Free from the Perfectionist’s Prison: Part 1 “I must do everything perfectly”

The pursuit of perfection and the need to constantly please others are often intertwined, creating a limiting belief that everything must be done perfectly. This belief can significantly impact your mental health and overall well-being, leading to a constant state of stress and dissatisfaction.

Common among perfectionists and people pleasers, this mindset is not just about striving for excellence but is rooted in the fear of failure and the dread of disappointing others. Recognizing and understanding this limiting belief is the first step toward overcoming it and moving toward a healthier, more balanced approach to life.

A friend of mine, whom we’ll call Alex, exemplifies the struggle with perfectionism and the need to please. From a young age, Alex was always the top student, excelled in sports, and was a beloved member of various clubs. Despite these achievements, Alex’s sense of worth remained tied to external validation. The fear of making a mistake or letting someone down was paralyzing. This drive for perfection started to take a toll during college, where the competitive environment magnified these pressures. Alex’s story is a testament to the pervasive nature of this belief system and the profound impact it can have on an individual’s life.

But this journey isn’t about me telling stories about other people I know, it’s supposed to be about me. So here we go, I consider this to be one of my worst limiting beliefs as it’s seated the deepest in my psyche. I am a hardcore perfectionist and people-pleaser. The self-sacrifice is real and incredibly damaging. I know where it came from, during my childhood, but that’s only the first step to rewriting the mindset and it’s a hard one to rewrite.

I grew up in a larger family with four siblings and both my parents. You’d think that would be a good thing, but it wasn’t always. My father is a minister. For those who aren’t familiar with the life of a pastor’s kid, or PK, it’s not easy. For one your life is a fish bowl, where everyone can see every little detail and they will most definitely pass judgment and criticize. As kids, our appearance and behavior reflected on the family and most especially my dad and his profession. Growing up in that life, you chose one of two paths: perfection or “I don’t give a shit”.

My sister and I chose perfectionism, my brothers the other. My sister had the “good” sense to give up on this lifestyle when she left for college, but I never left, choosing instead to go to a local college. Our grades were A’s across the board, anything less wasn’t good enough for us. It wasn’t explicitly expected of us, but we felt the underlying pressure to please the parents and look good to outsiders because that was what was ingrained in us as being important.

I felt my life goal was to make sure that everyone loved me and complimented my behavior and accomplishments. The church came first and we thought that maybe, if we pleased Dad enough that maybe he would put us first for once. I’m not saying my parents were bad parents, we’ve had this discussion together as adults, and they did the best they could with the knowledge they had. There’s no real guidebook to being a good parent. But we all knew that our lives took second to the church, that was made plain. He missed out on concerts, birthdays, and more because there was a church meeting or someone in the hospital. The worst part of it was that we all felt that if we were in the hospital, he’d still go to the church stuff. How crazy is that?

I had a more recent epiphany as my anxiety makes me relive certain parts of my life. An old friend from college sent me a text over the holidays, we hadn’t talked in years. Since I was starting this journey, a moment from college with this friend caught my attention and revealed how deep this perfectionism and people-pleasing went. My friend didn’t care about all that stuff, the perfectionism or my public persona, but that’s all I was capable of showing them. No one ever got to know the real me, well not no one, but it took a long time for me to trust someone enough to show them, the goofy, witty, funny, and dirty joke telling me. That wasn’t someone I could show in public, attempting to induced panic. This friend and I would have lunch together on the regular in college and he’d try to play a game with me. He’d think of the most ridiculous things we could do in whatever restaurant or grocery store and ask me how much someone would have to pay me to do it. I never had an answer for him. Years later, I figured out the answer. No amount of money. I am not capable of even contemplating tarnishing my perfect, people-pleasing nature in a game. There was no amount of imaginary money that would make me do those things, even if it would make me rich and solve all my problems. Mind blowing.

The Origins of Perfectionism and People Pleasing

Understanding the roots of perfectionism and people-pleasing behaviors is essential for addressing and overcoming these tendencies. That’s the first step. Once you’ve identified a limiting belief, you need to reach down and try and find out where they came from before you can rewrite them. These origins are often complex and multifaceted:

1. Childhood Influences: Research supports that childhood experiences of conditional love, where approval and affection from caregivers depend on the child’s achievements or behaviors, can foster perfectionism. This socialization practice, known as “parental conditional regard” and teaches children that their worth and belonging are contingent upon meeting others’ expectations, leading to the development of perfectionistic tendencies to avoid feelings of guilt and shame. Sound familiar?
2. Family Dynamics: Families with high expectations and a strong emphasis on success contribute to the development of perfectionism in children. The transmission of perfectionistic traits from parents to children can occur through direct imitation and the conditional offering of affection, reinforcing the belief that achieving flawlessness is essential for gaining parental approval and avoiding disappointment.
3. Societal Pressures: The impact of societal demands for success in various aspects of life, coupled with media and social media influences, can exacerbate perfectionistic behaviors. Individuals may internalize these external pressures, striving to meet unrealistic standards to be accepted and respected within society.
4. School Environment: Educational settings that prioritize high achievement and grades can lead to the development of perfectionism, as students begin to equate their self-worth with academic performance. The fear of failure and the association of effort with weakness, as noted in discussions on fixed versus growth mindsets, highlight how school environments can influence students’ perfectionistic tendencies and their reluctance to engage in challenging tasks.
5. Cultural Factors: Cultural norms emphasizing conformity and high standards can pressure individuals to strive for perfection to feel accepted. The research did not directly address this point, but it’s understood from broader psychological theories that cultural expectations play a significant role in shaping behaviors, including perfectionism and people-pleasing.
6. Traumatic Experiences: While specific studies on the link between traumatic experiences and the development of perfectionism were not accessed, it’s acknowledged in psychological literature that experiences of bullying, emotional abuse, or other forms of trauma can lead individuals to adopt perfectionism and people-pleasing as coping mechanisms.
7. Personality Traits: Certain inherent personality traits, like high conscientiousness or a strong need for approval, predispose individuals to perfectionistic and people-pleasing behaviors. The distinction between fixed and growth mindsets provides insight into how these traits can influence individuals’ responses to challenges and their overall perfectionistic tendencies.
8. Parental Modeling: The role of parental modeling in the development of perfectionism and people-pleasing is crucial. Children often emulate their parents’ behaviors, adopting perfectionistic patterns when they observe their parents displaying similar tendencies or when parental affection is contingent on meeting high standards.

Addressing these roots requires a multifaceted approach, including self-awareness, therapy, and possibly challenging deeply held beliefs about self-worth and acceptance. Understanding that perfection is an unrealistic goal and that it’s okay to make mistakes is crucial for overcoming the need to do everything perfectly. Support from therapists or counselors can be invaluable in this journey, helping individuals navigate their way through these complex issues toward a healthier sense of self.

In the next article, I’m going to talk about why perfectionism and people-pleasing are incredibly damaging.

Moving Meditation for Oct 5

“I’m not going to vacuum ’til Sears makes one you can ride on.” – Rosanne Barr

Any menial task can turn into a meditation session. Household chores are the perfect time to think. It doesn’t take much thought to perform them, they can be a sweat session, and somewhat stress relieving. It’s a rather multi-purpose task if you take a look. Not many people like to perform the cleaning tasks, but they still have to be done. It’s an easy way to feel a sense of accomplishment.

 

What chores can you think of that you can turn into moving meditations?

Honoring self/panic/choices/support

“The place where I work is supposed to be a place that heals people, and it violates the people who work there.” – Rosie

The quest to get healthier and live a healthier lifestyle is very popular right now. I have been on this quest ever since I got pregnant. Having someone else to take care of besides yourself definitely changes your perspective on life. I have succeeded and failed in all different aspects, but in general I am living a healthier life, as hard as that is. Part of the problem for a lot of people is that their work environment is not conducive and sometimes detrimental to their attempts at a healthier life. Self-control and a strong will are not always one of our strong suits. But I disagree with this passage in that some people will have to make a choice between pursuing our jobs or a healthy lifestyle. Our lives are our own doing. We make the choices that matter. The only difficulty is if our workplace has undue stress. Then you have two options: find a new workplace or find a way to deal and cope with the stress.

Stress, now that is something I am very familiar with. The first step to dealing with stress is finding your support system. Most of the time my support system is my family, but we have come on to hard times, and everyone has considerable amounts of stress of their own. We provide support for each other, but when everyone’s stress levels are so high, it is hard to find comfort and aid. Where do I turn to then? That’s a hard question to answer. Sometimes, I arrange an afternoon or evening with the girls from school. With everyone’s busy schedules that can take months thought. Sometimes, I just sit down with a glass of whiskey. Doesn’t make me an alcoholic, doesn’t happen that often, but its time I take for myself. One way I used to really cope with my stress was exercise. Before schedules changed over the summer, every morning my sister would watch my daughter and I would go for a 4 mile walk. That hour was the most relaxing time of my day. I didn’t listen to music, I didn’t think about anything in particular, I just walked and listened to nature. I sincerely miss that. I am happy my sister got a new job she is much happier at, very happy for her don’t get me wrong. Now I am usually the only one home all day with my 2 year old, everyone’s dogs (5 total), the telephone ringing constantly, unending money troubles, dissertation work, house cleaning, making breakfast, lunch and dinner; it gets pretty stressful and exhausting. I rarely have time for myself, much less a shower, or time to exercise. I told myself, well I’ll just go to the gym after dinner. So far, that’s not working out so well. Half the time I’m so tired by the time dinner is on the table, I struggle to eat much less go to the gym. So now what do I do? When I can I fit in a kettlebell workout. When I can I do some Yoga. I love yoga, but it’s definitely a challenge doing yoga with a 2 year old on your back. I just try do find time for little things that will help me relax. Everyone has to find their support group, whether its people, activities or a combination of the two. I can’t tell you what to do, that’s something you have to figure out for your self. I haven’t completely figured it out yet. But the biggest thing you have to realize, and it took me a long time, is that you are not alone. You are never alone.

Confused Thinking

“Every time you don’t follow your inner guidance, you feel a loss of energy, loss of power, a sense of spiritual deadness.”- Shakti Gawain

I have a problem. Well I have many problems, but today I’m talking about the problem that my brain never shuts off. I think too much about everything. I over analyze every conversation after its already over. I will even have problems sleeping at night because I can’t stop thinking about things, especially those that I can do nothing about. That particular problem seems to be somewhat genetic, as my father suffers from the same addiction. The brain either wonders if following the gut was the right path or you suddenly make yourself feel guilty for not listening to that inner voice. How many times have you tried so hard to think of something during the day and have it suddenly remembered at 3 o’clock in the morning? Then your brain decides “Well since your up, let’s think about this?” A lot of times for me is a sudden revelation about my dissertation that I think on and expand and then get up to write it on a piece of paper. The next morning when I move to add it to my dissertation notes with excitement only to find out I had already thought of that at another time…

Humans are problem solvers. It’s part of what separates us from the other primates (except Chimpanzees as they are also problem-solvers). We believe that if we think about it hard enough, we can solve  it and everything will be ok, even if everything is just fine as it is. If we can’t solve the supposed problem, we beat ourselves up for being so stupid and inept. I do this constantly. Why did I say that during this conversation that was so stupid, I should have said this. Why didn’t I think of that when it happened? How did I not see this coming? How could he hide all this from me? Why was I so blind? Only hindsight is 20/20. After everything has happened, of course you can piece all the little hints leading up to the foregone conclusion, but what we have to understand is that there’s no way we could have seen all those little hints as it was happening. It’s a hard pill to swallow. We think too much. We need to shut of the brain and listen to our gut every once and a while. Deep down you know and we don’t listen to that feeling and spiral ourselves into self deprecation, stress, dishonesty with ourselves, exhaustion, and a feeling of weakness. We are not weak. We are not inept, we are human and we think too much. Be yourself. What first comes out of your mouth, the actions you chose to take at the time are closer to your true self. Remember that and if you think them to be wrong later, apologize and move on. Do not fret over it. Be yourself. Follow your gut.

I’ll end this short post today with a quote from Meditations for Women Who Do Too Much: “It’s time to wait with our ‘inner guidance.’ It’s always there. We have just covered it over with the compacted concentration with mental masturbation.” Rather to the point I thought.